10am and I'm ready for a nap....

I get up as usual this morning to get the kids off and on the bus. Maeve is begging me to drive her to school. She made a present for her classes student teacher, her last day is today and they are having a party, and she didn't feel like she could get it on the bus.

So I got dressed and took Maeve to school. Of course we had to stop at Circle K for a Polar Pop on the way, but I dropped her off and then went over to CVS. I had some stuff i needed to pick up, and then while i was there i noticed that the gardening stuff was 25% off, so of course I had to look at that.

I stopped at two garage sales on the way home. The first one has this really nice white ornate shelf that i like an would look great against the walls in my living room, there are a tan color called "Moose Tracks" and white picture frames and shelves really stand out against it and look crisp and clean, and the shelf was priced at $3 but they said to make an offer, but it was just so heavy! My walls have trouble holing really heavy things even with anchors, so I just wasn't sure. I ended up passing on the shelf.

The second garage sell didn't have much, but i did find a nice top for Maeve, but I wasn't as pleased that i stopped at it as I was the first. It looked good from the street but once you got into the garage it was a bunch of knick-knacks and Christmas stuff and I was not in the mood for that. So I headed home.

I hung a new wind chime I got at CVS on my porch, and then decided to finally finish planting the flowers I got for Mother's day. each year a couple in our church that owns a nursery donates flowers to be given to all the mothers in the church, and they are always good quality flowers. Somehow this year, the flowers the kids gave me are all full sun flowers, and then my mother-in=law gives me her flowers. She says she doesn't have anywhere to plant them, but i plant mine in containers and she could do, but I don't push the issue, it's not worth it.

So now have four containers with flowers on my front lawn just beside my sidewalk. I am loving the way it looks, but now, here it is only 10am, and I am exhausted. I am ready for a nap!

i can't wait till all my blood work comes back and I go back to the doctor. I have been feeling this tired and lack of energy since the surgery last year, and this is not normal. I mean the whole time Brad and i were dating and until we had Tiernan I worked a full-time job and a part-time job, so this is not like me to be so tired and not able to do much! Sometimes I think it is the biggest problem, but then I also think it feeds some of the other issues, so i am looking forward to finding something.

I just want to feel like me again, not working two jobs, but having the energy to take care of my family would be nice.

Which way is up?

For years now, I have been so in tune with my own body. I could tell you when I was starting to get sick, I could tell you what each and every little pain was and when I was going to get a headache. I knew it. I understood it, and I had to. Starting at age 21, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) which is basically just a big pain in the butt, but it effects every woman who has it just a little bit differently so we had to learn, as women with it, to understand our bodies. To understand how the differences in hormone levels effected us each and how to make it all work better, or at least closer to normal.

2009 was a rough year, first emotionally because I lost my grandfather, and second physically because things started changing, and although it was acting different and causing me more problems, I could still explain them to you and tell you what was going on, why I was in pain and about how long it would last. I knew there was going to come a time that I would have to consider the hysterectomy, I had known that for a long time, probably since the first diagnose, and I was fine with that, I just expected it to be a simple fix. Take out the parts causing all the problems and I will be up and felling great in no time at all! Right?

WRONG!!!

Here it is a little over a year after the surgery, and I feel completely upside-down! I no longer understand my own body! I have no clue what it is doing! Everything I have known for so many years is gone and I am floundering in the same body but without the instructions!

Ever since the surgery I have been dealing with horrible headaches. I went back to the OB/GYN and she gave me estrogen, which is normal for most patients, and without thinking I acceped because I expected that, but then I had to remember that my body isn't normal, it has PCOS....which by the way, never goes away, yes I no longer have my ovaries, but everything else associated with PCOS still exists in my body, so they change the name to Androgen Deficiency or something else, but it all mean the same thing. So for me, the estrogen just made them worse, and so we added more estrogen and more thinking I was too low, which seemed only natural since my body has never had a normal level of any hormone, but it just made it worse and finally it came to a point that I lost it....I bottomed out!

I got so depressed from the headaches and the general not feeling right that I took to my bed for three days, and in that I forgot to take any medicine. At three days, I guess the estrogen was out of my system and I started feeling better. The lack of estrogen allowed my mind to clear enough for me to realize that something needed to change. I decided that I had to start taking charge again. I found a family doctor that I like and we are starting the process all over again from the beginning. We have discovered that the headaches are related to my blood pressure. I had preeclampsia with all three kids, so the effects of that are that I might start running high blood pressure now. Although my blood pressure still mainly stays in the normal range, when it does rise, I have headaches. So I am taking blood pressure medicine, although only a small dose, and I still have the k from the doctor to monitor it myself, to take an extra pill it it is high, to skip a pill if it is getting too low.

The problem for me is that this is a re-learning experience. I am having to re-learn my body, and it is not easy. I am still trying to figure out what high blood pressure feels like beside the headaches and what low blood pressure feels like so that I can get the medicine regulated. I have a home blood pressure cuff, and i take my blood pressure daily and multiple times a day, and slowly I am getting to understand it, and this is just the first step. There are still so many other issues to deal with, but taking one issue at a time, instead of dumping 50 medicines into my body for each issue at one time is much nicer.

The trouble is that I feel like I wasted a year...I should have been better prepared for this and I should have taken control sooner, but I didn't. I feel guilty about that, at the same time, I feel like everything is upside-down because I can't understand this new body yet, and it is not a pretty sight!

I must have a saint for a husband and cherubs for children, because how they have put up with all this, I have no idea! And it's not over yet!

Dance, Dance, Dance and Boy Scouts....

When I was going through all those years of fertility treatments, I never really thought about what life would be like if we ever had kids. I remember thinking that I would always bake birthday cakes from scratch, and I do. That was something that kept me going in the darkest days of treatments. When we finally had a boy, I guess I thought of football and baseball games, and when we had a girl I thought of softball but that was about it.

Well, Maeve is defintely nothing I could have ever imagined or dreamed of. I was not a real girly-girl growing up and Maeve is into Musical Theater and Dancing. Wow. I have entered a whole new world. Today is dress rehearsals for a benefit show that the dance studio is putting on tomorrow.

Maeve, and now Molly also, dance for One Step Above Dance Company, or commonly in the area known as OSA. Tomorrow afternoon at the Fairgrounds they are doing their company, or competetion dances ad a benefit. Tickets are $5 and all the money goes to the Ellettsville Boys and Girls CLub. Now, I have to say that I am super excited to be part of something like this that will benefit the Boys and Girls Club, because I love our boys and girls club, It is awesome and the people there really care about the kids.

Maeve and her dad had to be out at the fairgrounds at 9:40 this morning to rehearse their Father-Daughter dance. Every couple of years the studio does a fun dance with fathers and daughters, and they performed for the first time last week. I got to watch and I have to tell you it was amazing. Some of the dads were great dancers, others had no clue, but that wasn't what mattered the most, what was the greatest thing was the look on the girls faces when they were dancing with their dads.

Now I guess it's time for me to get cheesy, but you know, I loved the fact that the studio took the time to offer this dance, and even more that there were so many dad's that agreed to dance with their daughters no matter what their skill level was. In this day and age, with so many broken families and so many parents working two and three jobs that they don't have time to spend with their kids, ad with the teenage pregnancy rates and the research finding that it might have something to do with the lack of a fathers influence. It is so wonderful to see these guys take the time from their lives to spend time with their daughters.

Right now, Maeve is just getting out of the shower and I have to get her fully dressed, hair and make-up and into one outfit for practice at 1:40 then she has her other dance at 3:20. Like I said, it;s a dance, dance, dance day.

It is also a boy scout day, as Tiernan is going to the Boy Scout lock-in at the armory today, and he has to be there at 1pm. So it sounds like dad is going to be driving to the South end of town to the armory to drop Tiernan off while I am driving to the wet side of town to the fairgrounds for Maeve's dance practices.

Next weekend will be even more of the same as Maeve has regionals at Beech Grove saturday. It'll be my first experience with this, I was never in dance or dance competitions growing up, so I am learning all the time!

Depression...

Almost a year after my hysterectomy and nothing has been the same. Probably the first big mistake I made was listening to the doctor when she said, let's wait six months after surgery to see what your body does. I should have insisted on have all my levels tested before surgery and then within a week or so after surgery testing them again and started on medicine. I didn't, and it's true, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

Now don't get me wrong, my life is defintely better off afterwards. I was in so much pain from the cysts in my ovaries and the fibroid in my uterus that I wasn't living. I was spending more time in bed in pain than doing anything else. I will still tell people, if it has been recommended to you, then go ahead, but to keep your ovaries if at all possible. For me it was not possible to keep my ovaries. The only problem is that almost no one that I talked to had lost their ovaries too. I had no idea what I was going to be in for. Maybe more research, maybe more talking, maybe just more fighting for it the way I felt was right.

I started getting depressed about six weeks post-surgery. It was about like post-partum depression, but I didn't have a nursing baby to help take the edge off the depression. It was just getting worse and worse to the point I had to call the doctors office, so a prescription for an antidepressant, but that didn't do it. I think I have the brand changed twice and the dosage changed more than I can think since then. Of course after six months out, the hormone replacement got added in, and that brought it's own set of problems with it.

I haven't been able to sleep since the surgery. Which I hear is normal, but of course no one wanted to do anything about it, oh let's get some hormones in you and it will get better, finally last month they gave me something to sleep that works as bout as well as jelly beans! So I was fed up and called the doctor's office first thing Monday morning, with the promise that the nurse would call me back that morning. Yeah right, finally Friday afternoon about an hour before the office closed someone called me back, but of course they didn't do anything.

After almost a year of not being able to sleep it has finally caught up with me, and the depression has deepened. When you aren't sleeping, it is very easy to fall deeper into the depression. So I was already depressed after the surgery and it wasn't being handled well, then top that with not being able to sleep, that wasn't being treated at all, and I am a mess. You want to talk about the hormones?

The migraines started about four weeks out from surgery, and they were terrible. I think I have been on three or four different migraine medicines, and no matter how many times I say, that the medicine was doing nothing for the migraines. I mean I can only take two pills in 24-hours and the migraines will come back in 6 to 8 hours some days. I keep trying to tell them that they aren't working, but no one wants to listen, which only makes the depression worse because I feel like I am not worth listening to, The hormones only help to create more of them.

I finally got on hormones, got on a patch. Of course that didn't do too well, still ave headaches, so they added a estrogen gel. As long as I was taking both of those on schedule and not skipping a patch change or the gel, I was getting fewer headaches. They added some progestrone, not sure why, but it has seemed to increased the headaches.

Now I still love my doctor. She delivered all three of my kids and she has been great. But when I first started seeing her, she was a new young doctor in an office of older doctors, then she moved out on her own into a small office, that soon grew and grew and now has three doctors and two midwives in the office. She is still a great doctor, but her office has grown too large. The office staff no longer seems to care. I can remember when I would call in and all I had to say was my name and all the staff knew my history and could help with anything. I mean, let's put it this way, my account number in her office is #38! I have no idea how many people they have in there now, but I know that I almost never talk to the same person, and I have caught a couple of nurses saying things to me that were out-and-out lies, and I am not going for that and had to call her on it, and of course she was upset, but yo know, once your office gets too large, it is out of your control.

I made the hard decision this week, in a few of my more lucid moments to research a new doctor. I had been needing to have a general doctor anyway, and that is what I looked for. A general practice doctor, but one that had underlying specialities in women's issues and HRT. So on Wednesday I called and they got me in the next week on Thursday. They were trying for Tuesday, but didn't have one early enough to make sure I would get home before the kids got off the bus. I was shocked. I am used to having to call four months in advance to get an appointment. I am looking forward to hearing another view on all this, and really hoping for some answers. Or at least if not an answer, someone to listen and be willing to work with me to find an answer, not just brush it off like it's no big deal.

I am sure I will be blogging about my thoughts from the appointment next week. Oh you poor people, you have to listen to me ramble! Oh well, you knew what you were getting into when you read the title of the blog and still kept reading!

CB Logan: The Logan Clan!

CB Logan: The Logan Clan!: "Well, just heads up about The Awakening book since it hasn't came out yet (end of April). In the story, we have clans. The Raven clan, which..."

Tired of being tired

I am at my wits ends! Here we are 11 months after my total hysterectomy and I am still feeling tired, and more than just tired! I have never been one to take a lot of medicines, in fact I usually take very few things, and right now I am on seven different things, and they aren't working!

You know, I still love my ob dr, she delivered my three kids, and she is great. But over the years as her office has grown and there are more and more nurses in the front answering the phones, the service has gotten worse. I am not one to call in very often, so when I do call in it is a big problem. Recently it has seemed if I do get to talk to a nurse, she only half listens to what I am saying and when they call back after talking to the doctor I am like what are you talking about, yes I mentioned that but that was not the problem that was something happening because of the problem. And that was when I could actually get them to call me back. I called in Monday morning with them saying they would call back that morning, here it is Wednesday morning and I haven't heard from them. I don't blame the dr, I just think her office has grown too fast and too large. I have caught the nurses in outright lies, which of course I have told her about and she was quite mad about. I am not stupid. I ave been living with this diagnosis since was 22, so I have done my research. Don't try to pull one over on me.

So after a massive migraine yesterday that sent me to bed at 1pm and I didn't get up till this morning. I have three kids, and a husband, and although he take good care of the kids when I am down, it is not fair to him. This has been going on too long. I am so sick of trying this and then that and nothing really working. Lord, I am taking five pills, a patch and a gel everyday. I am over this. I am over feeling like I have no energy to do anything. I'm done.

So this morning I got up and pulled up the insurance website and the list of PPO's, you know the doctors they want you to go to and pay better for. So I wrote down about nine of them that sounded good to me, then looked them up on google, ended up on the hospital website, and although it gives you some information, it really doesn't give you enough to decided on a doctor, but I was able to narrow it down to two, based on their sub-specialities. I
I called the first only because it was close to the house, in fact probably only a mile or less, only to find out when I called that Friday was the doctor's last day there. Great. So I called the second choice and then found out that they had recently moved offices and were actually closer to me than originally, still not as close as the first, but close enough for me, and then the kicker, I got an appointment for next week!!! I mean, in literally seven days from now! What!? And to be even better, the nurse that I talked with was very pleasant. I am feeling good right now!

I feel better. I feel like I am taking my own health into my hands and that feels good. I am hoping for some resolutions and I hope that this will be a good choice. Actually a new set of eyes looking at it might be the best thing in the world. I am just glad. I feel better about myself and what I am doing. Now I am excited.

Same problem, different day

March 25, 2011

So here I sit at the Meineke again, third time this month. Now before I go on, I should say that I do not blame the guys working on my car. they have done what they can and they tried to keep the costs as low as possible.

The reason I came in the first time was that the heater/air conditioner fan quite blowing. I still got heat in the car, but it wouldn't blow, so it took a really long time to warm anything up. They replaced the blower resistor, but did mention that it might be the connection to the blower motor or the motor itself, but they wanted to start with this cheaper repair before going whole hog on the motor. So they replaced the resistor and I was on my way.

On Sunday, the blower was working just fine on the way to church, but when we came out of church, it would no longer work, so I went in and had them look at it again. This time they replaced the resistor again for me at no cost, but mentioned the connector if it happened again and got me a price on it. Yesterday, I was sitting in the drive thru waiting to pick up my lunch when the blower quit again! Ok, this time it only took a couple days, so I stopped at Meineke and made an appointment to have it looked at again.

He just walked out to talk to me, and they put the motor itself on the tester and it is pulling too much power from the engine, which is causing it to push too much thru the resistor, causing it to melt and blow the "fuses" in the resistor. So now, I need to replace the blower motor, that will be another $400 I am dropping on the car! At this rate I am going to be driving this thing forever to pay for all the replacements and repairs I have in it!

Of course this will also reinforce Brad's opinion of Dodge vehciles in general. We had an old Grand Caravan minivan and the electrial connection on that went and we had no interior lights, on the dashboard or anything. He complained that Dodge's were known to have electrial problems, and that all Dodge's have problems. When we got my Durango, Brad was not wanting it, but I wanted that Durango so bad, and after we looked at it, he went and looked up the blue book and found that we were getting a really good deal on the truck, so he let me get it. Of course that also means that everytime something goes wrong with it he never fails to remind me of his opinion on Dodge's in general. He is always asking if the guys tell me "It's a Dodge, so we expect these problems."

Last summer we had to replace the transmission on the Durango, and now all this with the heater. It is just not alot of fun. I hate putting alot of money into a vehicle, but then again, I would much rather put the money into it and keep it in good condition than have to put the money into buying a new vehicle. All looked at together though, I can't say that we have had all that much trouble with my Durango, in fact up until last summer when it was the transmission, was the first real problem, or big problem we have had. Before that it was just te problem with the check-engine light and the gas cap. I hate car payments! Thank you Dave Ramsey!

Now that leads me on to a whole new topic. Dave Ramsey. A few years ago our church hosted a Finicial Peace University, which is a program created by Dave Ramsey. Brad signed us up, which kinda surprised me, but it was life changing! We learned from Dave, some one who has been there, done that and bounced back, how to really live and to make money work for you and not you working for money. He taught us to live debt-free, and it has changed our lives. Anytime I hear someone talking about Dave Ramsey I have to jump in and share my opinions and experiences. At this point in our lifes, with three children, we are almost completely debt-free, we only have our mortagage left to pay. No other debt, just normal day-to-day bills, no car payments, no credit cards, no loans, and it feels wonderful.