Tired of being tired

I am at my wits ends! Here we are 11 months after my total hysterectomy and I am still feeling tired, and more than just tired! I have never been one to take a lot of medicines, in fact I usually take very few things, and right now I am on seven different things, and they aren't working!

You know, I still love my ob dr, she delivered my three kids, and she is great. But over the years as her office has grown and there are more and more nurses in the front answering the phones, the service has gotten worse. I am not one to call in very often, so when I do call in it is a big problem. Recently it has seemed if I do get to talk to a nurse, she only half listens to what I am saying and when they call back after talking to the doctor I am like what are you talking about, yes I mentioned that but that was not the problem that was something happening because of the problem. And that was when I could actually get them to call me back. I called in Monday morning with them saying they would call back that morning, here it is Wednesday morning and I haven't heard from them. I don't blame the dr, I just think her office has grown too fast and too large. I have caught the nurses in outright lies, which of course I have told her about and she was quite mad about. I am not stupid. I ave been living with this diagnosis since was 22, so I have done my research. Don't try to pull one over on me.

So after a massive migraine yesterday that sent me to bed at 1pm and I didn't get up till this morning. I have three kids, and a husband, and although he take good care of the kids when I am down, it is not fair to him. This has been going on too long. I am so sick of trying this and then that and nothing really working. Lord, I am taking five pills, a patch and a gel everyday. I am over this. I am over feeling like I have no energy to do anything. I'm done.

So this morning I got up and pulled up the insurance website and the list of PPO's, you know the doctors they want you to go to and pay better for. So I wrote down about nine of them that sounded good to me, then looked them up on google, ended up on the hospital website, and although it gives you some information, it really doesn't give you enough to decided on a doctor, but I was able to narrow it down to two, based on their sub-specialities. I
I called the first only because it was close to the house, in fact probably only a mile or less, only to find out when I called that Friday was the doctor's last day there. Great. So I called the second choice and then found out that they had recently moved offices and were actually closer to me than originally, still not as close as the first, but close enough for me, and then the kicker, I got an appointment for next week!!! I mean, in literally seven days from now! What!? And to be even better, the nurse that I talked with was very pleasant. I am feeling good right now!

I feel better. I feel like I am taking my own health into my hands and that feels good. I am hoping for some resolutions and I hope that this will be a good choice. Actually a new set of eyes looking at it might be the best thing in the world. I am just glad. I feel better about myself and what I am doing. Now I am excited.

Same problem, different day

March 25, 2011

So here I sit at the Meineke again, third time this month. Now before I go on, I should say that I do not blame the guys working on my car. they have done what they can and they tried to keep the costs as low as possible.

The reason I came in the first time was that the heater/air conditioner fan quite blowing. I still got heat in the car, but it wouldn't blow, so it took a really long time to warm anything up. They replaced the blower resistor, but did mention that it might be the connection to the blower motor or the motor itself, but they wanted to start with this cheaper repair before going whole hog on the motor. So they replaced the resistor and I was on my way.

On Sunday, the blower was working just fine on the way to church, but when we came out of church, it would no longer work, so I went in and had them look at it again. This time they replaced the resistor again for me at no cost, but mentioned the connector if it happened again and got me a price on it. Yesterday, I was sitting in the drive thru waiting to pick up my lunch when the blower quit again! Ok, this time it only took a couple days, so I stopped at Meineke and made an appointment to have it looked at again.

He just walked out to talk to me, and they put the motor itself on the tester and it is pulling too much power from the engine, which is causing it to push too much thru the resistor, causing it to melt and blow the "fuses" in the resistor. So now, I need to replace the blower motor, that will be another $400 I am dropping on the car! At this rate I am going to be driving this thing forever to pay for all the replacements and repairs I have in it!

Of course this will also reinforce Brad's opinion of Dodge vehciles in general. We had an old Grand Caravan minivan and the electrial connection on that went and we had no interior lights, on the dashboard or anything. He complained that Dodge's were known to have electrial problems, and that all Dodge's have problems. When we got my Durango, Brad was not wanting it, but I wanted that Durango so bad, and after we looked at it, he went and looked up the blue book and found that we were getting a really good deal on the truck, so he let me get it. Of course that also means that everytime something goes wrong with it he never fails to remind me of his opinion on Dodge's in general. He is always asking if the guys tell me "It's a Dodge, so we expect these problems."

Last summer we had to replace the transmission on the Durango, and now all this with the heater. It is just not alot of fun. I hate putting alot of money into a vehicle, but then again, I would much rather put the money into it and keep it in good condition than have to put the money into buying a new vehicle. All looked at together though, I can't say that we have had all that much trouble with my Durango, in fact up until last summer when it was the transmission, was the first real problem, or big problem we have had. Before that it was just te problem with the check-engine light and the gas cap. I hate car payments! Thank you Dave Ramsey!

Now that leads me on to a whole new topic. Dave Ramsey. A few years ago our church hosted a Finicial Peace University, which is a program created by Dave Ramsey. Brad signed us up, which kinda surprised me, but it was life changing! We learned from Dave, some one who has been there, done that and bounced back, how to really live and to make money work for you and not you working for money. He taught us to live debt-free, and it has changed our lives. Anytime I hear someone talking about Dave Ramsey I have to jump in and share my opinions and experiences. At this point in our lifes, with three children, we are almost completely debt-free, we only have our mortagage left to pay. No other debt, just normal day-to-day bills, no car payments, no credit cards, no loans, and it feels wonderful.

Spring Break

So this week is Spring Break here, which means that the kids are home from school all week.

All weekend it had been nice and warm, but today it is back into the low 40s. Of course that it life in Indiana. Spring Break is in mid-March but it is usually still cold. So today the kids and I are all hanging out in the house, not doing much, relaxing and watching tv, or writing on the computer or playing games. It is kinda nice to have the time to spend with the kids, with nothing to pressure us to do homework or to make class or anything like that.

The plans are to go visit my grandma one day this week, and I thought that I might do it today, but that has not worked out, and I know that she has a doctor appointment tomorrow so we can't go then. We want to visit but not too long, or overtax her too much. She is doing better after her hospital stay, but she is almost 87 years old, and so she can't do as much as she used to although she hates to admit it, but then again don't we all.

A lot of people like to travel on Spring Break and take off for warmer weather. You know, even way back when I was in school, I was never on of those people, not that I wouldn't have enjoyed it, but I never had the opportunity to go south for Spring Break, or when I did have the chance in college, I just couldn't swing the payments that it would be. It's hard to budget for something like that when you are working to pay for school. Once I was out of school, Spring Break was nothing, because you don't get Spring Break from work. Only now that the kids are in school has Spring Break become something again to think about. I think the kids would enjoy doing something fun, but we'll just have to see what we can swing.

To be honest, to relax in the house with my kids today, with no plans and nothing we have to do, to be able to play games together has been the greatest things around. I have loved me day.

Cancer...

Yes, I said it. Cancer, there I said it again. The c-word, the big c, the hush, the whisper, the unmentionable, the "you're not suppose to say cancer in a song", the taboo. Yet today, we talk about it more than only a generation ago. It's come out in the open, we can talk about it more now, but it makes me wonder...if we hadn't spent so much time hiding it, not talking about it and being scared of it, would we be closer to a cure? Would more research have been done? Or would we still be at the same place as today.

At some point in your life, cancer is going to effect each and every person on this plant. It may not be you yourself that has to deal with it, but it will be someone you love, and so you will be forced to confront it head on and deal with it. It might be your parents, your siblings, your in-laws, your cousin, your aunt or uncle, your grandparents, or heaven forbid your child.

In September of 2009, in fact the day after Labor Day, a Tuesday, the sun was out as bright as could be that day. I took my Grandfather to the hospital for some test results. That was the day we were told that he had lymphoma. I remember sitting there in shock, then asking the questions, what did this mean. The doctor told me, in broken English, that lymphoma was a slow-growing, non-aggressive cancer and that he could live for many years with no problems, in fact this would not effect his longevity. Relief washed over me, and we scheduled some follow-up appointments and to read the results with the doctor on September 30th.

As the weeks went on my grandfather, who had been mobile and active stopped eating, but gained a tremendous amount of weight, in fact going up more than 3 sizes in the waist, becoming wheelchair bound and having trouble with his bodily functions. I started looking online, and ever resource I found told me the opposite of the doctor, that lymphoma was fast-growing and very aggressive. I kept thinking there was no way he could be going downhill this fast, and it must be something else.

I arrived at his house Tuesday night, he lived an hour drive from me, and being floored by how bad he looked. Early Wednesday morning I got up to take him to the hospital, only three blocks away for the follow-up with the doctor. My grandmother, my mom's mom showed up at the house and offered to come with me, and I will always remember that as a gift from God. My grandfather was my dad's dad, and so there was no blood connection between these two grandparents, in fact their children had divorced and each remarried long ago, but yet they continued to be friendly and concerned about each other. As I struggled to get him into the car, I was glad to have her there to joke with me and keep it light.

We met with the doctor, and he didn't seem concerned about the drastic physical changes that had occurred but offered my grandfather the choice to do this one chemo treatment, which he said yes to and they would do it that very day, in fact it ended up starting less than half an hour later. That was the last I saw of that doctor. Never once during the chemo did he check up on my grandfather. The nurses on the other hand were angles sent by God. They allowed grandma and I to sit beside him all day, they helped me help him to the bathroom every time he had to go, they talked with me and were just concerned for me. The treatment ended up taking all day, and it was almost 6pm when we were ready to leave there. Grandpa seemed even weaker than when we had come in that morning. About 4pm, the nurses decided that they were very concerned about how weak he was and me taking him home, so they start petitioning the doctor to admit him for the night. The doctor refused, finally the nurses told me to take Grandpa straight to the ER when we left there and ask them to admit him for the night, they were afraid I couldn't handle him at home alone that night. I called my husband and he urged me to listen to the nurses, and my grandma agreed and even as strange as it felt to walk from one part of the hospital to the other I did it.

The ER took one look at Grandpa and rushed him back before I could even finish telling them what had occurred that day. They were great. They took good care of him and settled me down and got him admitted. Once they got him up to a room, he seemed to look and feel alot better. They finally talked me into going home, and so I went back to grandpa's and talked to my husband. By the time I got off the phone the hospital was calling asking me to come back. They had moved Grandpa into ICU for one-on-one nursing care and he was asking for family. I drove the mere three blocks, got upstairs and they were already trying to resuscitate him. when the ICU doctor talked to us, he explained that lymphoma was a very aggressive cancer and that he had seen people go in a week, we were lucky to get the month with Grandpa. He passed before midnight that night.

I look back and have many regrets. Regret that I didn't force him to get a second opinion on the lymphoma, regret that I didn't spend more time that month with him, that I didn't see this coming, so much. It is a huge wound that over the years has finally scab over, but things happen in life that rip the scab off and allow it to bleed anew. But I refuse to bury it inside and and not talk about it, to say that it was his heart or something else, no it was lymphoma and I didn't know enough about it, still don't.

How do I heal now? I talk about it. I refuse to let it be the thing you can't talk about. I research lymphoma and learn more about it, I support research and I keep him alive by not letting him go without a fight, by supporting research and the race for a cure. If you haven't had someone in your life fight cancer yet, you will...how will you respond to the fight? Will you keep it silent or will you fight?

Car Repairs

March 9, 2011

So here I sit at Meineke waiting on them to look at the Durango. Was driving it the other day and all the sudden the heater quit blowing. It still heated up, but the fan was no longer blowing. Great. Last year the heater in the back half went out, the fan blows there but no heat, now I have heat in the front but no fan, between the two sections I have one working heater! Now if they can just make that work without costing me an arm and a leg, I would be happy.

Brad hates my Durango. He hates the Dodge altogether. The check engine light has been on for a couple years now because the gas cap is slightly lose. He thinks all Dodges have electrical problems. Our old Caravan Minivan had all the lights on the dashboard go out, so he is just againist them all, I don't know, I love my Durango. I feel so much safer driving it with the kids, because I know that it is larger than most of the other vehicles on the road.

Just last summer we put new transmission in the Durango, so I am committed to keeping this one running good for as long as I can. That was a lot of money and I am not about to go looking for a new car. So just as I was writing the guy comes out with the news. The blower resistor was bad, a little $35 piece, cool, not bad I am thinking, then the other foot drops. While they were in there they noticed a little squeak, had I noticed that when I was driving. Well, yes I had noticed it, but just off and on so I didn't think much about it. Turns out the bearings were going out on my water pump, so my nice little $35 repair turned into a $500 repair. Great.

Speaking of new cars, I hate car shopping. Brad and I have totally different tastes in cars and different requirements. We both want safety, but he sees it a little differently than I do. He doesn't see my big Durango as being as safe as I feel driving it, so it makes it hard to find something we both agree on. Oh well, at least we aren't in the market for a new car at the moment which is good. Ugh, just dumping more money into this car, so I guess I am going to have to drive it a little longer.