Dance, Dance, Dance and Boy Scouts....

When I was going through all those years of fertility treatments, I never really thought about what life would be like if we ever had kids. I remember thinking that I would always bake birthday cakes from scratch, and I do. That was something that kept me going in the darkest days of treatments. When we finally had a boy, I guess I thought of football and baseball games, and when we had a girl I thought of softball but that was about it.

Well, Maeve is defintely nothing I could have ever imagined or dreamed of. I was not a real girly-girl growing up and Maeve is into Musical Theater and Dancing. Wow. I have entered a whole new world. Today is dress rehearsals for a benefit show that the dance studio is putting on tomorrow.

Maeve, and now Molly also, dance for One Step Above Dance Company, or commonly in the area known as OSA. Tomorrow afternoon at the Fairgrounds they are doing their company, or competetion dances ad a benefit. Tickets are $5 and all the money goes to the Ellettsville Boys and Girls CLub. Now, I have to say that I am super excited to be part of something like this that will benefit the Boys and Girls Club, because I love our boys and girls club, It is awesome and the people there really care about the kids.

Maeve and her dad had to be out at the fairgrounds at 9:40 this morning to rehearse their Father-Daughter dance. Every couple of years the studio does a fun dance with fathers and daughters, and they performed for the first time last week. I got to watch and I have to tell you it was amazing. Some of the dads were great dancers, others had no clue, but that wasn't what mattered the most, what was the greatest thing was the look on the girls faces when they were dancing with their dads.

Now I guess it's time for me to get cheesy, but you know, I loved the fact that the studio took the time to offer this dance, and even more that there were so many dad's that agreed to dance with their daughters no matter what their skill level was. In this day and age, with so many broken families and so many parents working two and three jobs that they don't have time to spend with their kids, ad with the teenage pregnancy rates and the research finding that it might have something to do with the lack of a fathers influence. It is so wonderful to see these guys take the time from their lives to spend time with their daughters.

Right now, Maeve is just getting out of the shower and I have to get her fully dressed, hair and make-up and into one outfit for practice at 1:40 then she has her other dance at 3:20. Like I said, it;s a dance, dance, dance day.

It is also a boy scout day, as Tiernan is going to the Boy Scout lock-in at the armory today, and he has to be there at 1pm. So it sounds like dad is going to be driving to the South end of town to the armory to drop Tiernan off while I am driving to the wet side of town to the fairgrounds for Maeve's dance practices.

Next weekend will be even more of the same as Maeve has regionals at Beech Grove saturday. It'll be my first experience with this, I was never in dance or dance competitions growing up, so I am learning all the time!

Depression...

Almost a year after my hysterectomy and nothing has been the same. Probably the first big mistake I made was listening to the doctor when she said, let's wait six months after surgery to see what your body does. I should have insisted on have all my levels tested before surgery and then within a week or so after surgery testing them again and started on medicine. I didn't, and it's true, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

Now don't get me wrong, my life is defintely better off afterwards. I was in so much pain from the cysts in my ovaries and the fibroid in my uterus that I wasn't living. I was spending more time in bed in pain than doing anything else. I will still tell people, if it has been recommended to you, then go ahead, but to keep your ovaries if at all possible. For me it was not possible to keep my ovaries. The only problem is that almost no one that I talked to had lost their ovaries too. I had no idea what I was going to be in for. Maybe more research, maybe more talking, maybe just more fighting for it the way I felt was right.

I started getting depressed about six weeks post-surgery. It was about like post-partum depression, but I didn't have a nursing baby to help take the edge off the depression. It was just getting worse and worse to the point I had to call the doctors office, so a prescription for an antidepressant, but that didn't do it. I think I have the brand changed twice and the dosage changed more than I can think since then. Of course after six months out, the hormone replacement got added in, and that brought it's own set of problems with it.

I haven't been able to sleep since the surgery. Which I hear is normal, but of course no one wanted to do anything about it, oh let's get some hormones in you and it will get better, finally last month they gave me something to sleep that works as bout as well as jelly beans! So I was fed up and called the doctor's office first thing Monday morning, with the promise that the nurse would call me back that morning. Yeah right, finally Friday afternoon about an hour before the office closed someone called me back, but of course they didn't do anything.

After almost a year of not being able to sleep it has finally caught up with me, and the depression has deepened. When you aren't sleeping, it is very easy to fall deeper into the depression. So I was already depressed after the surgery and it wasn't being handled well, then top that with not being able to sleep, that wasn't being treated at all, and I am a mess. You want to talk about the hormones?

The migraines started about four weeks out from surgery, and they were terrible. I think I have been on three or four different migraine medicines, and no matter how many times I say, that the medicine was doing nothing for the migraines. I mean I can only take two pills in 24-hours and the migraines will come back in 6 to 8 hours some days. I keep trying to tell them that they aren't working, but no one wants to listen, which only makes the depression worse because I feel like I am not worth listening to, The hormones only help to create more of them.

I finally got on hormones, got on a patch. Of course that didn't do too well, still ave headaches, so they added a estrogen gel. As long as I was taking both of those on schedule and not skipping a patch change or the gel, I was getting fewer headaches. They added some progestrone, not sure why, but it has seemed to increased the headaches.

Now I still love my doctor. She delivered all three of my kids and she has been great. But when I first started seeing her, she was a new young doctor in an office of older doctors, then she moved out on her own into a small office, that soon grew and grew and now has three doctors and two midwives in the office. She is still a great doctor, but her office has grown too large. The office staff no longer seems to care. I can remember when I would call in and all I had to say was my name and all the staff knew my history and could help with anything. I mean, let's put it this way, my account number in her office is #38! I have no idea how many people they have in there now, but I know that I almost never talk to the same person, and I have caught a couple of nurses saying things to me that were out-and-out lies, and I am not going for that and had to call her on it, and of course she was upset, but yo know, once your office gets too large, it is out of your control.

I made the hard decision this week, in a few of my more lucid moments to research a new doctor. I had been needing to have a general doctor anyway, and that is what I looked for. A general practice doctor, but one that had underlying specialities in women's issues and HRT. So on Wednesday I called and they got me in the next week on Thursday. They were trying for Tuesday, but didn't have one early enough to make sure I would get home before the kids got off the bus. I was shocked. I am used to having to call four months in advance to get an appointment. I am looking forward to hearing another view on all this, and really hoping for some answers. Or at least if not an answer, someone to listen and be willing to work with me to find an answer, not just brush it off like it's no big deal.

I am sure I will be blogging about my thoughts from the appointment next week. Oh you poor people, you have to listen to me ramble! Oh well, you knew what you were getting into when you read the title of the blog and still kept reading!

CB Logan: The Logan Clan!

CB Logan: The Logan Clan!: "Well, just heads up about The Awakening book since it hasn't came out yet (end of April). In the story, we have clans. The Raven clan, which..."

Tired of being tired

I am at my wits ends! Here we are 11 months after my total hysterectomy and I am still feeling tired, and more than just tired! I have never been one to take a lot of medicines, in fact I usually take very few things, and right now I am on seven different things, and they aren't working!

You know, I still love my ob dr, she delivered my three kids, and she is great. But over the years as her office has grown and there are more and more nurses in the front answering the phones, the service has gotten worse. I am not one to call in very often, so when I do call in it is a big problem. Recently it has seemed if I do get to talk to a nurse, she only half listens to what I am saying and when they call back after talking to the doctor I am like what are you talking about, yes I mentioned that but that was not the problem that was something happening because of the problem. And that was when I could actually get them to call me back. I called in Monday morning with them saying they would call back that morning, here it is Wednesday morning and I haven't heard from them. I don't blame the dr, I just think her office has grown too fast and too large. I have caught the nurses in outright lies, which of course I have told her about and she was quite mad about. I am not stupid. I ave been living with this diagnosis since was 22, so I have done my research. Don't try to pull one over on me.

So after a massive migraine yesterday that sent me to bed at 1pm and I didn't get up till this morning. I have three kids, and a husband, and although he take good care of the kids when I am down, it is not fair to him. This has been going on too long. I am so sick of trying this and then that and nothing really working. Lord, I am taking five pills, a patch and a gel everyday. I am over this. I am over feeling like I have no energy to do anything. I'm done.

So this morning I got up and pulled up the insurance website and the list of PPO's, you know the doctors they want you to go to and pay better for. So I wrote down about nine of them that sounded good to me, then looked them up on google, ended up on the hospital website, and although it gives you some information, it really doesn't give you enough to decided on a doctor, but I was able to narrow it down to two, based on their sub-specialities. I
I called the first only because it was close to the house, in fact probably only a mile or less, only to find out when I called that Friday was the doctor's last day there. Great. So I called the second choice and then found out that they had recently moved offices and were actually closer to me than originally, still not as close as the first, but close enough for me, and then the kicker, I got an appointment for next week!!! I mean, in literally seven days from now! What!? And to be even better, the nurse that I talked with was very pleasant. I am feeling good right now!

I feel better. I feel like I am taking my own health into my hands and that feels good. I am hoping for some resolutions and I hope that this will be a good choice. Actually a new set of eyes looking at it might be the best thing in the world. I am just glad. I feel better about myself and what I am doing. Now I am excited.

Same problem, different day

March 25, 2011

So here I sit at the Meineke again, third time this month. Now before I go on, I should say that I do not blame the guys working on my car. they have done what they can and they tried to keep the costs as low as possible.

The reason I came in the first time was that the heater/air conditioner fan quite blowing. I still got heat in the car, but it wouldn't blow, so it took a really long time to warm anything up. They replaced the blower resistor, but did mention that it might be the connection to the blower motor or the motor itself, but they wanted to start with this cheaper repair before going whole hog on the motor. So they replaced the resistor and I was on my way.

On Sunday, the blower was working just fine on the way to church, but when we came out of church, it would no longer work, so I went in and had them look at it again. This time they replaced the resistor again for me at no cost, but mentioned the connector if it happened again and got me a price on it. Yesterday, I was sitting in the drive thru waiting to pick up my lunch when the blower quit again! Ok, this time it only took a couple days, so I stopped at Meineke and made an appointment to have it looked at again.

He just walked out to talk to me, and they put the motor itself on the tester and it is pulling too much power from the engine, which is causing it to push too much thru the resistor, causing it to melt and blow the "fuses" in the resistor. So now, I need to replace the blower motor, that will be another $400 I am dropping on the car! At this rate I am going to be driving this thing forever to pay for all the replacements and repairs I have in it!

Of course this will also reinforce Brad's opinion of Dodge vehciles in general. We had an old Grand Caravan minivan and the electrial connection on that went and we had no interior lights, on the dashboard or anything. He complained that Dodge's were known to have electrial problems, and that all Dodge's have problems. When we got my Durango, Brad was not wanting it, but I wanted that Durango so bad, and after we looked at it, he went and looked up the blue book and found that we were getting a really good deal on the truck, so he let me get it. Of course that also means that everytime something goes wrong with it he never fails to remind me of his opinion on Dodge's in general. He is always asking if the guys tell me "It's a Dodge, so we expect these problems."

Last summer we had to replace the transmission on the Durango, and now all this with the heater. It is just not alot of fun. I hate putting alot of money into a vehicle, but then again, I would much rather put the money into it and keep it in good condition than have to put the money into buying a new vehicle. All looked at together though, I can't say that we have had all that much trouble with my Durango, in fact up until last summer when it was the transmission, was the first real problem, or big problem we have had. Before that it was just te problem with the check-engine light and the gas cap. I hate car payments! Thank you Dave Ramsey!

Now that leads me on to a whole new topic. Dave Ramsey. A few years ago our church hosted a Finicial Peace University, which is a program created by Dave Ramsey. Brad signed us up, which kinda surprised me, but it was life changing! We learned from Dave, some one who has been there, done that and bounced back, how to really live and to make money work for you and not you working for money. He taught us to live debt-free, and it has changed our lives. Anytime I hear someone talking about Dave Ramsey I have to jump in and share my opinions and experiences. At this point in our lifes, with three children, we are almost completely debt-free, we only have our mortagage left to pay. No other debt, just normal day-to-day bills, no car payments, no credit cards, no loans, and it feels wonderful.

Spring Break

So this week is Spring Break here, which means that the kids are home from school all week.

All weekend it had been nice and warm, but today it is back into the low 40s. Of course that it life in Indiana. Spring Break is in mid-March but it is usually still cold. So today the kids and I are all hanging out in the house, not doing much, relaxing and watching tv, or writing on the computer or playing games. It is kinda nice to have the time to spend with the kids, with nothing to pressure us to do homework or to make class or anything like that.

The plans are to go visit my grandma one day this week, and I thought that I might do it today, but that has not worked out, and I know that she has a doctor appointment tomorrow so we can't go then. We want to visit but not too long, or overtax her too much. She is doing better after her hospital stay, but she is almost 87 years old, and so she can't do as much as she used to although she hates to admit it, but then again don't we all.

A lot of people like to travel on Spring Break and take off for warmer weather. You know, even way back when I was in school, I was never on of those people, not that I wouldn't have enjoyed it, but I never had the opportunity to go south for Spring Break, or when I did have the chance in college, I just couldn't swing the payments that it would be. It's hard to budget for something like that when you are working to pay for school. Once I was out of school, Spring Break was nothing, because you don't get Spring Break from work. Only now that the kids are in school has Spring Break become something again to think about. I think the kids would enjoy doing something fun, but we'll just have to see what we can swing.

To be honest, to relax in the house with my kids today, with no plans and nothing we have to do, to be able to play games together has been the greatest things around. I have loved me day.

Cancer...

Yes, I said it. Cancer, there I said it again. The c-word, the big c, the hush, the whisper, the unmentionable, the "you're not suppose to say cancer in a song", the taboo. Yet today, we talk about it more than only a generation ago. It's come out in the open, we can talk about it more now, but it makes me wonder...if we hadn't spent so much time hiding it, not talking about it and being scared of it, would we be closer to a cure? Would more research have been done? Or would we still be at the same place as today.

At some point in your life, cancer is going to effect each and every person on this plant. It may not be you yourself that has to deal with it, but it will be someone you love, and so you will be forced to confront it head on and deal with it. It might be your parents, your siblings, your in-laws, your cousin, your aunt or uncle, your grandparents, or heaven forbid your child.

In September of 2009, in fact the day after Labor Day, a Tuesday, the sun was out as bright as could be that day. I took my Grandfather to the hospital for some test results. That was the day we were told that he had lymphoma. I remember sitting there in shock, then asking the questions, what did this mean. The doctor told me, in broken English, that lymphoma was a slow-growing, non-aggressive cancer and that he could live for many years with no problems, in fact this would not effect his longevity. Relief washed over me, and we scheduled some follow-up appointments and to read the results with the doctor on September 30th.

As the weeks went on my grandfather, who had been mobile and active stopped eating, but gained a tremendous amount of weight, in fact going up more than 3 sizes in the waist, becoming wheelchair bound and having trouble with his bodily functions. I started looking online, and ever resource I found told me the opposite of the doctor, that lymphoma was fast-growing and very aggressive. I kept thinking there was no way he could be going downhill this fast, and it must be something else.

I arrived at his house Tuesday night, he lived an hour drive from me, and being floored by how bad he looked. Early Wednesday morning I got up to take him to the hospital, only three blocks away for the follow-up with the doctor. My grandmother, my mom's mom showed up at the house and offered to come with me, and I will always remember that as a gift from God. My grandfather was my dad's dad, and so there was no blood connection between these two grandparents, in fact their children had divorced and each remarried long ago, but yet they continued to be friendly and concerned about each other. As I struggled to get him into the car, I was glad to have her there to joke with me and keep it light.

We met with the doctor, and he didn't seem concerned about the drastic physical changes that had occurred but offered my grandfather the choice to do this one chemo treatment, which he said yes to and they would do it that very day, in fact it ended up starting less than half an hour later. That was the last I saw of that doctor. Never once during the chemo did he check up on my grandfather. The nurses on the other hand were angles sent by God. They allowed grandma and I to sit beside him all day, they helped me help him to the bathroom every time he had to go, they talked with me and were just concerned for me. The treatment ended up taking all day, and it was almost 6pm when we were ready to leave there. Grandpa seemed even weaker than when we had come in that morning. About 4pm, the nurses decided that they were very concerned about how weak he was and me taking him home, so they start petitioning the doctor to admit him for the night. The doctor refused, finally the nurses told me to take Grandpa straight to the ER when we left there and ask them to admit him for the night, they were afraid I couldn't handle him at home alone that night. I called my husband and he urged me to listen to the nurses, and my grandma agreed and even as strange as it felt to walk from one part of the hospital to the other I did it.

The ER took one look at Grandpa and rushed him back before I could even finish telling them what had occurred that day. They were great. They took good care of him and settled me down and got him admitted. Once they got him up to a room, he seemed to look and feel alot better. They finally talked me into going home, and so I went back to grandpa's and talked to my husband. By the time I got off the phone the hospital was calling asking me to come back. They had moved Grandpa into ICU for one-on-one nursing care and he was asking for family. I drove the mere three blocks, got upstairs and they were already trying to resuscitate him. when the ICU doctor talked to us, he explained that lymphoma was a very aggressive cancer and that he had seen people go in a week, we were lucky to get the month with Grandpa. He passed before midnight that night.

I look back and have many regrets. Regret that I didn't force him to get a second opinion on the lymphoma, regret that I didn't spend more time that month with him, that I didn't see this coming, so much. It is a huge wound that over the years has finally scab over, but things happen in life that rip the scab off and allow it to bleed anew. But I refuse to bury it inside and and not talk about it, to say that it was his heart or something else, no it was lymphoma and I didn't know enough about it, still don't.

How do I heal now? I talk about it. I refuse to let it be the thing you can't talk about. I research lymphoma and learn more about it, I support research and I keep him alive by not letting him go without a fight, by supporting research and the race for a cure. If you haven't had someone in your life fight cancer yet, you will...how will you respond to the fight? Will you keep it silent or will you fight?