The Ace of Spades...

I've been dealt my hand, now it's time to deal with it.

First card, the "Ace of Spades", the divorce.....yeah, it's a pretty typical card anymore, but it can do more damage than anyone believes or gives it credit for. I always thought that i had dealt well with that card. I took my time, waited until later to get married, dated for four years before we got married and I was doing well.

I underestimated the power that it had, and it wasn't on the level i was thinking, but going down another level and we find the root, unworthy. When the divorce occurred, I was in 3rd grade going into 4th grade. I don't remember anything about 4th grade. Now I can tell you my teachers name from 3rd grade, my friends in 3rd and 5th grads, but I remember nothing of 4th grade. The divorce left me feeling unworthy, because my Dad was the one who walked out and moved on. He left so it had to be my fault, I had to have done something wrong. As I got older I realized it wasn't my fault, i did nothing to cause it, but the feelings of being unworthy of love lingered.

My Mom remarried, and I had a wonderful life. I have a step-father that i haven't called that in more years than I can remember. He loved me no matter what, I didn't have to prove myself to him to be worthy of his love, and I can never be worthy of God's love, but yet he loves me anyway.

For me, I dealt with the top layers, the most superficial hurts of the divorce the ones everyone thinks about, but I never lifted the layers, I never went down to the root of the problem, and so it has festered and grown and caused more and more problems.

I have done things that have made my husband mad, and I just expected him to leave because in reality I felt I wasn't worthy of his love. How could I be worthy of his love? I mean, I wasn't even worthy of my own father's love was I, because if I had been then surely he would have stayed around, he wouldn't have went looking for a new family somewhere else, right?

All these years I have pretended to be fine, to have dealt with the emotional scares of the divorce, but I was playing a game with myself. I was looking at the top layer and dealing with it, all the while knowing in the back that there was another layer without ever dealing with it. Th problems centered on my feeling unworthy....unworthy of being loved, unworthy of being happy, unworthy of anything good. How did I let it grow so big that I felt unworthy of everything? Because I chose not to deal with it.

I know this card is tied to some of the other cards, but this is going to be a long process, and so step one is this card only, this Ace of Spades that made me miserable. This card that I took to mean I was unworthy, and that I let grow until i let it color everything in my life. I am 43 years old, and only now do I feel capable or even ready to deal with this card. It gut deep, very deep!

The thing is, I will never be worthy of God's love, but then again, no one is. God give's his love unconditionally to us, we don't have to be worthy of it. I have my dad (step-dad)'s love and it was given unconditionally too, he didn't ask me to be worthy of his love, he loved me in spite of my flaws. I did nothing to be worthy of my husband's love, he has loved me through my flaws and seen me in my darkest times, and loved me anyway. My children have always given me their love, nevr asking me for anything in return, that is the beauty of children, their love knows no boundaries.

I was not to blame for my parent's divorce, that lays squarely on the shoulders of another card, but it was not me. My father' demon's are not my demon's and just because he took off to face them and fight them, losing alot of the time nd winning just enough to keep hope alive, had nothing to do with me. It didn't make me unworthy of love....but Satan slipped in and told me it was, and he planted the seeds of unworthiness, and i let it grow. I let it stay.

Today, I play the Ace of Spades, I lay it face up on the table for all to see, because if all can see it then there is nothing to hide anymore. I don't have to cover it in shame, it has been faced. And I am not going to sneak it back into my hand to grow in the darkness and become a problem again, I have layed if face up on the table, and I am going to slap this big old Bible of mine on top of it so that it has to stay on the table...because the Bible is what gives me the power to face it, because God loves me, he thinks I am worthy of his love, through nothing I have done...

I AM .....WORTHY
I AM .....SPECIAL
I AM .....BEAUTIFUL
I AM .....LOVED

I may have to say that each and every day, but I am, and I will say it until i believe it because I am worthy, I am not to blame and I can be happy!

One card played, the rest of the hand to go......