The hand your dealt

Throughout my life, there have come times when I have had to do some self-reflection and soul-searching to figure out why I have done some things or why things have happen. Recently this was speared on by the changes in my body over the years from fertility drugs and then the hysteroctomy. I thought everything would be wonderful after the surgery, and the past year of it not being anything clos to normal, let alone wonderful has encouraged even more searching and changing doctors and finally some answers of sorts.

I have come to a theology of my own. Each and every person is dealt a hand of cards. Now this isn't poker, this is a big old hand full of cards, but the dealer isn't dealing them blind, the Lord is the card dealer and he knows what he is dealing into every hand. They are not put there to test you or to make life hard but to make you the wonderful, beautiful person he has in store for you to be.

The hard cards are not tests, they are not punishments, they are not things that you can blame for the rest of your life...."Oh, I am overweight because that is the card I was dealt, there is no use trying to lose weight", you might have been dealt an overweight card, but it's not something to blame, it is something to use as a step, as a climbing tool. These hard cards are meant to make us look inward, to find our strengths, to embrace the challenge and to grow into the person we are suppose to be.

Maybe you were dealt a divorce card, well that is no reason to think you are unworthy of love, maybe it was dealt you to show you how strong you can be, maybe it was to show you that you have to put your faith and trust into God and not man for the love that you deserve.

I have struggled with my own parents divorce when I was young, I have struggled with my father's battles with alcohol, my own infertility problems and then my weight. Finally I have realized that I can't blame anything on those struggles. They were not cards dealt to allow me to blame them and just go on as if the struggles of the past should explain my issues now. As if you should accept me as I am and if I should be content to be overweight and insecure. The cards were dealt me to force me to turn to God, to ask for his help, to ask him to show me how to deal with them and how to use them to make me into the strong capable person I know i can be.

For so long I have let those cards lay there in the background. I have let them stop me from doing something I wanted or desired, or keep me from feeling worthy of the love that has been given me. For so long, I have not dealt with the card, I have just let them sit there, thinking I was doing what i needed to do, but never really facing them. Just allowing them to lay there in the background, to fester an grow was not dealing with them. Now i realize that I have to deal with the cards, I have to play those cards and change my life, my thoughts, my beliefs and my goals.

Today I start playing those rough cards. I start dealing with the struggles, but instead of hiding them back in my hand and letting them fester and cause problems again in a year or later, i am going to play them. Really play them, take them out of my hand an lay them on the table for all to see. I am going to completely take them out of my hand and let them go, never to rear their heads again, never to take away what i deserve again. I will not lie and say this is going to be easy, it is not, but it has to be done. Letting someone ls see your hard cards or your demons or your faults if you want is probably the hardest thing in the world, but if i don't play them, don't lay them on the table, don't admit to them and how they have effected me up to this point, then what good is it.

I am wonderfully and fearfully made in God's image. He has only the best in store for me, I am his and he loves me no matter what....it is time that I embraced that fully, and allowed him to love me in spite of my flaws and through my flaws, to mold me and make me the wonderful person he has had in mind for me from before I was born. Today i take charge and release those cards, they can no longer hurt me or allow me to feel unworthy....I am worthy of God's love! I am worthy of a full life, unimpended by those cards.

I am woman, hear me roar!