First Baby Step

All in all, when everything is said and done, the first real step to finding my way is going to have to be accepting that I am past the baby-making years and on to a new phase of life.

That is so hard, because I was in that phase for so long! I was told at 23 I would have trouble getting pregnant, got married at 25, and at 26 we started actively trying to get pregnant with medications, finally at 31 I had Tiernan, actively went back on medicines when he was only seven months old and got lucky, three months later I was pregnant and had Maeve right before my 33rd birthday, then had Molly right before my 36th birthday. I "knew" in my mind that she was my last, but in my heart I still wanted just one more.

The thing was, even after Molly, even though we weren't trying anymore, there was always that little chance. Even after Brad insisted and got his vasectomy there was still always that slight chance, and I held onto that in the back of my mind. I always held onto to the idea that there was a chance of an oops and one more baby, until my surgery. Now there are no more chances, no more oops. It's all over.

I know I should be thrilled, overjoyed that I have three healthy beautiful children and I am. I just had my hopes and dreams set on at least one more. I loved being pregnant, I loved giving birth, even if it was a scheduled c-section, and I loved those first sleepless months nursing. It was the greatest time in my life, a time when I felt the most alive, the most needed and that I had something wonderful to give to the world.

I know I have other gifts and talents, and I know that I am still important, but I don't feel that way. Not that I can no longer have babies, I feel lost. I feel like there is nothing that makes me special anymore and nothing I can do for anyone else. I know that isn't true, but herein lies my lostness. If I am every going to find my way out of the lost feeling, I have to come to terms with the fact that I am in a different phase of life, not the baby phase, but the mom phase, the wife phase, the almost teenager phase. Anything but the baby phase.

I'm trying, and maybe by putting it out there, by admitting to it in writing I will finally be able to say goodbye to that phase and move on, to be able to find my place and what I want to do and were I am suppose to be in this world. I just want to stop feeling lost!