Lost in Space

May of 2010, the time I became lost.  Completely lost and not knowing which way to go or how to get found.

May of 2010 was when I had my hysterectomy, and although it was needed. I was in tremendous pain from ovarian cysts and a fibroid in my uterus, and even though I said I was ready for it, and I wanted the pain gone, I really wasn't ready for it, what I really wanted was just one more baby, even though I was already 40.

So when I came home after the surgery, I found myself lost, I'm still lost. Since then we have been trying different hormones and combinations to make me feel more like me again, but I am still lost. Although the medicines are starting to make me feel like a person again and I feel like doing the fun thing with my family again, I am still lost.

Who am I now? What defines me? I'm still a woman, I just don't have most of those part anymore, and yet that sometime make me feel like less than a woman. I'm still a mom, but yet I don't feel like one anymore, I feel like me kid don't even need me anymore except as a taxi driver. I'm still a wife, but I don't feel like being much of one since then and I wonder how long he'll be able to stand that. I'm so lost.


I just want to find a place, a purpose for being now. I don't know where to look anymore, what to start with, or even how to figure it out. What once made me happy doesn't feel the same anymore, it still makes me happy, but there i a void, or empty space in it. I even tried sewing today, something that always made me feel good and like I had accomplished something. It felt good to sew, but something as missing, I still felt empty inside.


There is no magic pill out there that is going to take care of this, it is something that I have to figure out myself, I have to learn to deal with what has happened and come to terms with it and find a new purpose and plan. Just don't have and idea where to start.